I thought Byte Dance was a retainer for teens with bad teeth.

Assuming the cease fire holds, by the end of today, at least half of Americans will believe the deal was brokered by Donald Trump. Hey truth, your shoes are over there.

Dear media: Stop saying "what to know." Just tell us.

Can we please get a Bob and Doug McKenzie episode on tariffs right now?

Apparently, all the NBA has to do to restore interest in its all-star game is have a couple of fights.

Retweet if you don't stand with me or anyone else and are sick of "stand with" tweets.

Why does the entire NFL combine consist of having players do things they will never do in an actual football game?

If your team isn't the best team in the country, then where they're seeded doesn't matter. If they are the best, they should be able to beat anyone they play. If they didn't get into a 68 team field, sit down and shut up.

We're not 69th best damn it, we're 68th. What a ripoff!

Once again, for the 12 millionth time, the FCC can not revoke CBS' broadcast license. Networks do not have licenses. Individual stations do.

No one could ever have foreseen NIL turning out like it did.

Stanley Cup viewership is down! The NHL sucks, Bettman sucks, ESPN sucks! Oh, and New York, Boston, Chicago and Philadelphia aren't in it this year.

There are more people in the average McDonald's drive through line than there are protestors in LA.

An SEC team wins the Stanley Cup. More evidence of the great conspiracy.

Coach argues balls and strikes. Penalty for that is ejection. Nothing else we need to know.

Guy with brown-sounding name wins primary, many lose their poop.

The first rule of Epstein Club is we don't talk about Epstein Club.

Colbert learned, there's one thing you can never do in media, and that's tell the truth.

Our top story today, a man in shorts with nobody trying to stop him threw a football to another man in shorts, who caught it. Inexplicably, many people appear excited about this.

For the 12 billionth time, the FCC can not pull a television network's broadcast license, because TV networks do not HAVE broadcast licenses.