I just had three phone calls in the last twelve minutes. Phone calls. Real ones. With talking. I’m a wreck.

#ControversialOpinion Not enough things are purple. Like, in general. There’s just not enough purple things.

Thank you Mr President for saving us from the greatest enemy facing America today: Public broadcasting. I don’t care about not being able to afford groceries, racist vigilantes or illegal wars in South America… But thank god we don’t have to worry about PBS anymore!

Hey, President! Congratulations on your goons committing another murder today! #FuckICE #FuckTrump

#StopICE #AbolishICE #FuckICE

#ICEAreMurderers

“…if a giraffe is eating leaves in Africa and it sees a tiger, it will experience two emotions: fear and surprise. Fear because it is a tiger, and surprise because there are no tigers in Africa.”—Eddie Izzard

“Avatar 3 is the number one movie in America!” Yeah, but look what else is playing right now. The box office is dead until summer. So, yay! James Cameron gets to stand on top of a pile of crap! Where he belongs. #AvatarSucks

.Donald J. Trump Just so you know, we haven’t forgotten that you’re in the #EpsteinFiles. All this shit you’re doing to distract us from that fact isn’t working, you child-raping monster. #ResignInDisgrace #PresidentPedo

I am fussy this day!

They’re after me! Oh, wait…no they’re not. I’m sorry, I got that wrong.

Sometimes I think about all the people out there going through life without knowing how lovely I am. And it makes me feel sad. #IAmLovely

I’m stuck in standstill traffic for the fourth time in two days and I’m thinking of driving full speed into the truck in front of me just to break the monotony.

What do you hate the most about winter? For me it’s the layers. It’s exhausting going around weighed down by all that clothing. I feel claustrophobic in my own clothes. #Clothestrophobic #NeverGonnaTrend

In my dream, I had a pet snail that grew very fast until it was the size of the snake from ‘Anaconda’ and it kept eating kids and I think it ate some jewelry as well but I woke up before I could find out.

Here’s a book I wrote! It’s good! But it, why not? lulu.com/shop/templeton…

Say what you will about #Trump, but at least he is creating jobs. Time was when bullies grew up, they had no choice but to join the army if they were brave or the police if they were smart. Now, at last, there’s an option for people who are bullies, cowards AND idiots: #ICE.

Good glob, I miss the days when politicians were stupid in an “is our children learning” kind of way not in a “let’s murder a bunch of people for no fucking reason” way.

How are we liking the new #LiquidGlass look on iPhone? Me, I’m in favor of it.

Thank Jesus for those heroic boys of #ICE. Keeping America safe from dangerous threats like suburban mothers and fucking babies. #FuckICE #ICENazis #GTFO