*me rooting for USA in the World Cup*: "I just feel like we're due for a W in the Middle East"

I have stronger opinions about chicken wings than I do about Brittany Griner

I'm a simple person. I see a picture of a dog, I double tap the picture. Simple.

I wish I could love anything the way white guys with dreads love bad reggae

Me talking to my dog: "no sticks in the house!" My dog seeing me bring in the Christmas tree: *I thought no sticks in house? Am confused*

Some 16th century European monarch watching me season a chicken with an equivalent of a bar of gold during his time.

My phone is so dry that the only bff that pops up on my Snapchat is Team Snapchat

New Jersey acts like pork roll can cure a disease. You do know that other states have meat too, right?

Nothing is more humbling than a blacklight. It'll have you explaining your regular ass day to your friends. "I swear I wash my clothes and brush my teeth!"

Nothing is more annoying than an overzealous crossing guard. Why are you acting like there's a scout in the stands representing the Avengers?

If a dog interrupts my day, what a great day. If a person interrupts my day, what an awful day.

I don't think Stouffer's should legally be allowed to call that gloop "lasagna"

BREAKING NEWS: Tucker Carlson get job as local weatherman so he can continue being wrong and telling lies to old white people

I kinda don't even want one of my own. I'll just come over and hang with yours

Just once, in my life, I want to do laundry and it not be 80% work clothes.

If I have to "click the link in bio" for more information, rest assured, I got all the information I needed

OJ's hell is getting stabbed by Nicole Brown for eternity. OJ's hell is basically Nicole Brown's heaven

Despite having 20+ years of experience doing it, I still don't know how long to microwave a piece of lasagna

Nobody gets ghosted more than the Duolingo owl

This platform can go fuck itself