Always tell people about the story you're writing. And never underestimate the power of lying about the story you're writing & thereby making up a better story than the one you actually planned.

My clown name is Comic Sans as a tribute to teh late great Horatio Sans.

You got a CASE of diarrhea? That seems like too much. 24 diarrheas gonna take you a month to finish.

He says, "Son, can you play me a memory? I'm not really sure how it goes But it's fast, and it's smart, and I knew it by heart When I wore a punk rocker’s clothes." LA LA-LA DI-DEE-DA! LA-LA DI-DEE-DA! DA-DUM!!

Timothee Chalamet came to see me & asked me a lot of questions. By the end, he was sort of imitating me. Should I be worried?

A fun thing about being middle-aged is you can just go "I think I'll look up 'Basketball Jones'."

I'm not going to kid myself. My new character "Doug the homeless geologist" did not go over particularly well at improv.

I had my dog neutered before puberty so he could still sing the high notes.

Putting the finishing touches on my new online game. It's Wordle, except it lies to you just a *little* bit.🤏

It's the 250th anniversary of the midnight ride of Paul Revere. I've mapped all seven Dunkin Donuts locations Paul could've stopped at on his route

so you’re telling me pope francis took his last energy to give mass, shit on jd vance, and pray for gaza and died the day jesus resurrected 😭😭😭

TIL OJ Simpson started his night hosting SNL as a conehead.

Why do they look like the parents of a child who fell in a well

Repurposing "God Save the King" as "My Country 'Tis of Thee" was a baller mover by the founding fathers.

Sept 3, 1967, 5 AM, the day Sweden celebrated my birth (albeit two days late) by switching from driving on the left to driving on the right.

my heart is filled with turkey.