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There’s a new documentary by Mariska Hargitay about her discovering her biological father and keeping the secret for years to honor the man that raised her. She says she’s learned “secrets don’t honor anyone” I agree. Lies don’t protect, they harm. open.substack.com/pub/defendsurv…

Adopters that justify lying to a child say, “It doesn’t matter to me. I love them like they were my own.” But what they’re missing is it’s not about them. It’s about what the child needs. The child needs a parent that loves them and doesn’t lie to them. open.substack.com/pub/defendsurv…

You can’t say you love a child and then take them away from their mother. That’s not love. If there are safety concerns of course you protect the child but in a way that honors the child and preserves their identity. Most adoptions happen to ‘build families’ not protect a child.

In Mariska Hargitay’s new documentary she describes finding out who her bio dad is and her father that raised her denying it. She then decides it’s too painful for him and that she will protect him and hold the lie which she does until now. Lies hurt.👇 open.substack.com/pub/defendsurv…

I see comments about Mariska Hargitay’s documentary talking about her dad that raised her refusing to tell her the truth and calling that real love and how he was her only father. If you love someone you don’t lie to them and steal their genetic identity. #lieshurt #adoption

If we want to stop child abuse we have to stop teaching people to be cruel to their children. #toughloveisnotathing #lovedoesnthurt #corporalpunishmentisabuse #daretobekind worthywonderfulshop.etsy.com/listing/432385…

It doesn’t matter what the trauma is, people don’t want to hear about it unless it’s a ‘pain into purpose’ or ‘how I found forgiveness’ type of story. We are really bad at just sitting with trauma and supporting survivors. #trauma

Victim is not a shameful word. It means you were negatively or harmfully affected by someone or something. It’s also not the opposite of the word survivor. They are synonymous and we need to stop stigmatizing the word victim.

Why don’t survivors report? Minimal chance of protection - that’s why. This entire system needs to be overhauled.

Stop asking why survivors don't tell. Instead give them a reason they should.

Stop asking women to do what systems and societies won’t.

Why don’t survivors tell they’re being abused? Because when a perpetrator says they’ll destroy you, you know they mean it and are capable of doing it. Stop blaming survivors for accurately calculating their risk of what will happen if they tell and instead make the risk worth it.

15 years ago today I signed my first ever solo lease on an apartment, and moved out of my ‘dream’ home and neighborhood. I left the house because I fought for the kids and he fought for the ‘things’. I was terrified but July 4th for me became freedom. open.substack.com/pub/defendsurv…

Adoption truths not acknowledged: Adoption is called ‘beautiful’ but handing a baby to strangers is trauma. Many adoptees feel relief when they’re old enough to get out of an environment that is at best uncomfortable but many times even abusive. #adoption #adoptee

Children subjected to trauma are not ‘resilient’ they’ve learned to tolerate the intolerable. #trauma

Many times people have to get out of abuse to fully see how the abuse was affecting them. This is true for many adoptees. It’s not until you’re out of the FOGG (fear, obligation, gratitude, and guilt) that you see how bad it was. #adoption #trauma

Please stop laughing at abusive inappropriate “jokes’ made at someone’s expense. Show the person the joke is directed at that it’s not funny and you’ll stand up to their abuser and say that. #notfunny #itsabuse #perpetrator101

People always assume a child is better off with their adoptive parents, but they are strangers to a child and you have no idea what they are actually like and what kind of a life you’re subjecting that child to. #Trauma

If a parent has been abusive, regardless of whether it’s physical or emotional abuse, they have removed their title of ‘parent’ and their title now is ‘perpetrator’. #abuseisnotlove

You don’t owe an abusive parent anything. They owed you safety, support, and love. #abuseisnotlove