No one ever asks Scooby Dooby Doo HOW are you

Lol have u even met a baby

Adding stuff that I have already done to my To Do List to give myself an artificial boost in self-esteem. Highly recommended life hack.

This is super cursed and also the funniest goddamn thing I’ve seen all week

As a writer and filmmaker, I like to consume new, exciting art* as often as I can. *Gordon Ramsay’s UK Kitchen Nightmares from the early 2000s like this one set in Brighton which I have already seen at least twice.

Tonight: 8pm - Our founders do some 'prov as Borabish! 9:30pm - A brand-new sketch show from The New York Cheeks, then an improv set from Bounce House set inside a Buffalo Wild Wings! twitch.tv/thesquirrelnyc

There is no more of a soul crushing feeling than when you are deep into the no internet t-rex game on Google Chrome and connection gets restored.

Pitch: female mechanic on network TV who DIDN’T learn everything from their dad.

I would change the name to Dan Titmuss Good Films Pictures

BBC: We are renewing Line of Duty for another season. There’s just one note. Line of Duty Producers: Sure, anything. BBC: That weird beeping tone at the start of when they tape someone in interviews? Make it 60, maybe 120% longer. Make it like, half of the scene.

Ok sure

What more are you confident you’ve seen at least 10 times? Jurassic Park A Knight’s Tale My Big Fat Greek Wedding (family favorite) Star Wars V Ratatouille

I mean, I’m not lying. I usually do hope the email finds them well.

Any time anyone says that a vegetable is actually a fruit I think “shut the hell up no one cares”.

The average human eats 2-3 lbs of food per day, the average horse eats around 15 lbs. So conservatively a centaur is shoveling around 17lbs of food through that tiny human mouth every day just to keep it alive. Something to think about.

It's 24 years since my all-time favourite press apology/correction. If any of you can beat it, I'm all ears.

Did Nuts.com predict the internet? Was everyone in 1929 like “what do you mean? What the hell is dotcom?”

My wife and I talk to our robot vacuum like it’s our precious child and that’s all the grandchildren my parents are getting, unfortunately.

At 30 I drank my first pint of olive oil. At 35, I drank 2 pints of olive oil in one hours. At 40 I drink a bath olive oil when in it. You are NEVER too old to get what you WANT in LIFE, I am proof!