“It has a screw top so we don’t have to drink it all….” ….and other lies we tell ourselves. 🍷

Instead of the 5 second rule, my Kid has been saying 5 Minute Rule. I’d correct her, but now she’s picking up her crap…

Just went on a “Free” bike ride to the local brewery where we spent $80 in food and beer….

Have kids so you can fight with a mini version of yourself about why it’s a bad idea to microwave a popsicle.

Dads will criticize your taste in music then literally go turn on the Beach Boys…

Y’all gonna sit there like The Goo Goo Dolls didn’t drop an album of absolute bangers in 1998….

“If you just obey the law, you have nothing to worry about.” *Adequately staffs the IRS* “Not like that.”

Kid: I’m changing my name. Me: Yeah? What to? Kid: Farty Pants McGoo. Me: Fuck yeah. Let’s go Farty Pants McGoo!

Some of you have never had your entire music collection stolen off the sun visor of your car… and it shows.

It’s almost time to make Christmas Cookies with the M&M’s i’ve had in the cabinet since last Christmas.

All my Watermelon plans fall apart right around the time I have to start cutting up a watermelon.

Remember kids, lederbrosen before lederhosen.

Every year i’m disappointed at the lack of free drugs in my Kid’s Halloween candy.

Halloween is scary because what if I accidentally give away my drugs?

Name a “Quick and easy” dinner that makes a bigger mess than Taco Night. I’ll wait.

It may look like I have my shit together, but our Elf on a Shelf didn’t leave until last night…

Wife: *Visibly Irritated* Me: “If you were a Pokemon, you would be a Madatchu”

Oh look it’s March! Better head to Home Depot to buy more plants to murder like some kind of plant serial killer.

My Kid: “How do you spell Leprechaun?” Me: … My Kid: … Me: … My Kid: … Me: “Hey, Siri…”

Someone made a comment about Connecticut having momentum going into the next stage of March Madness. I say, “Do you mean Kineticut energy?” and nobody laughs. My talents are wasted here.