can someone in pittsburgh please adopt pizza chicken sauce jr she’s at the petco on mcknight road

“If you’re serious about ukulele, you’re dead to me.” -Stevie

There Will Be Blood.

Goodbye

Every car insurance commercial is either a four-car accident with multiple casualties or some dude spilling black beans on his khakis at the company picnic

merry christmas haters! 🎅🏽

I overheard an old lady at the teriyaki joint tell her friends about how her husband eats ice cream in the sauna and “swears by it”

Imagine how inappropriate it would be to lead into news of actual tragedy with “I hate to be the bearer of bad news”

Fun Fact: The San Francisco 49ers are actually named after the total population of the city of San Francisco, 49!

Accepting my Oscar: “Bazinga — To you and yours”

Some dude has just been starting small fires across the street from my job all day

My hometown’s minor league baseball team had an Uncle Rico promotional night — I mostly just wanna know the how this even happened

List of people whose opinions on epidemiology I trust, in no specific order: 1) conspiracy-theorist mechanic at my job

taking hthe Touch Your Own Eye Balls challenge, at the zoo, despite recent developments

Joe Exotic is Steve Irwin’s Wario

when anything happens

Once my brother said Zero Dark Thirty was about "breaking into some guys house" & my grandpa got so mad he stood in the backyard for an hour