I saw your text. I read your text. I was called to wipe an ass, or open a bag of fruit snacks. I forgot your text.

My most toxic trait is creating a $35 Instacart order for a bag of shredded carrots because I’m too lazy to take a cheese grater to a full sized carrot that I have plenty of in my fridge. My karma is that the bag of shredded carrots is out of stock.

Me: What is this? 5: Don’t worry about it.

Me: there’s a whole box of chocolate chip protein bars you have to eat. 5: I don’t eat those anymore. Me: why? 5: things change, mom.

When your kid takes medicine without acting possessed, the second half of your life begins. Just kidding. This unicorn doesn’t exist.

Some days I slay. Other days sticking my hands under a motion detector sink and not have water come out is enough to absolutely disintegrate me.

Pregaming for concerts in your 20s: Tequila shots, vodka shots, fireball shots to ensure a wild night. Pregaming for concerts in your 40s: espresso shots to ensure you can make it through the night.

Me: I’m going to take a bath. 5: Why, so you can clean your vagina?

Summer went to the corner store for a pack of butts and never came back.

ADHD be like, on quiet days: I’m bored and I need something to do and the fact that I am not doing all the things is a failure. On busy days: OMG this world has too many people and all of them are bugging me I don’t have the energy for this pls let me sit and do nothing

Just making sure we’re bringing the kids to the bus stop braless, right? RIGHT?!

Sorry, I can’t. I’m scratching price stickers off of my new Home Goods candles.

Today’s vibe is Namaste with a side of fuck around and find out.

If you don’t have any teenage dirtbag pics because your Rejection Sensitivity Dysphoria was always raging and you overcompensated for it by hyper fixating on pleasing your elders, same.

Nothing like shopping in a different grocery store to make you realize you’re hanging on by a thread.

“When you put it that way, EVERYONE has ADHD.” EVERYONE also gets headaches from time to time. The fact that yours are minor doesn’t mean that others aren’t debilitated for days, and it doesn’t mean migraines are fake. Now hush and help me find my keys

“Get ready for one of the best days of your life,” I say to my kindergartner who’s about to shop the Scholastic Book Fair for the first time ever today.

Might collab with Khalid on a remix: “Middle Age Dumb Broke Stressed Mom.” I think it would slap.

Perimenopausal life is so exciting; you wake up to new wrinkles you’ve never seen before, and then you get to put deodorant on before bed so you don’t end up with 13 year old boy BO by morning.

My husband asked me what I thought I might like for my upcoming birthday. I told him I’d like for him to make a vasectomy appointment.