Thunder Cunts Thursday.

professor x: what's your power? me: deflection professor x: bullets? gamma rays? me: criticism professor x: that’s a stupi— me: say, is that a new tie?

Slap my ass and tell me I’m pretty.

Live, laugh, slap my ass.

Happy Ass Wednesday to all those who celebrate.

Why does the fire alarm always choose that low battery beep at 2am?

a carrot on a stick while i ride my exercise bike, but it's a cup of steaming hot coffee.

Guess what happened before I got out of bed this morning. That thing I was going to give up for Lent.

I just want a guy who will bring me coffee and smack my ass.

Went to the kitchen for a beer but ended up eating half a bag of popcorn and then went back and got a beer.

only on a site where retweets are free do people hoard them like they're a premium feature. y'all must be the most selfish lovers.

lent? if i don't loan anything to anyone, then i have no reason to give anything up.

If I can hear you breathing you are standing too close.

A fountain Sprite has magical, healing properties when you are sick.

The hospital keeps calling me trying to get me to pick up shifts so I put my phone on DND and cracked another beer.

You wouldn’t like me, my ass is fat.

The older I get the lower my car feels.

😈😈😈🤣🤣👍👍

if a Brit does't call you "luv," "bruv," or "guv," they're just not that into you, innit.

Reposting because the universe proved my point. Looking at you, RFK Jr.