Dentist: have you been flossing?

*mouth pooling with blood*
Me: most definitely

What are clothes if not giant napkins?

3pm? sorry that’s my time to be the most tired I’ve ever been in my life everyday

It’s crazy that this ape has a first and last name. I have to respect him

Cats must think we’re so weird for constantly harvesting their poop.

to my knowledge “margaritaville” is the only song about alcoholic regret and self-loathing that was turned into a chain of restaurants and resorts

A “murder” of crows is so dramatic for a group of birds. Like what if it was a “grand theft auto” of ostriches

i hate gen z. they don't know who andy capp is and why he's the mascot for hot fries. news flash, assholes: he's from an old comic strip or something and i don't know either!!!

Literally nothing more hateful than wishing someone “well”😈

existential crisis at the drive-thru

Things will be fine, eventually, in thousands of years, for rocks

My wife and I have been together for 3 live action Spider-Mans

Never know what topic Bluey is gonna hit you with. Just watched the new one and now I have to talk to my kids about why we slice debt into risk-defined tranches, bundle it into securities, create derivative markets to shift the credit exposure, and sell insurance on the defaults

Combos are definitely the closest thing to a dog treat that I’ll willingly eat