Arsehole dog

I became a Great Aunt today. It made me think about my Great Aunt Jessie, who would hit me with her walking stick if I got too close. Old witch. Where do I get a walking stick?

We've all done terrible things. Awful, horrible things. Don't let them worry you. Or do, you know, if they're really bad. You sick fuck.

I’m going to be in isolation forever because my new dog is an arsehole who won’t let anyone in the house.

Look at it. Adorable? No! Arsehole.

RIP

I have photos of my dog that I need people to see.

I don’t tweet much.

I love hearing the neighbours kids hurt themselves. It’s a different pitch of screaming for a few minutes. Bliss.

WTF

It’s ok. I caught the bird and have safely stored it like the genius I always knew I was. Also, tits.

Good morning

I’m on a boat As soon as we stop I’m getting in that delightfully green water.

The neighbours are having a party. It sounds like a lot of fun. I’m thinking about calling the police.

No, I won’t eat the cupcakes your small child made.

I just sold a car and immediately trod in some cat shit. Ups and downs.