I am so tired. So exhausted. I think I'm just about done fighting. Not saying I'm going to anything but idk. I'm just so done. I seriously despise the people I live with.

I think I've somewhat kinda barely been finding myself a bit better lately. Actually figuring out who I am, what I enjoy/am interested in, etc a bit better.

Either way though, my mh is the worst it's ever been frankly, physical health not far behind. The ed/sh/depression/ptsd/ocd have all individually been swallowing me whole, even worse considering the cumulative affects.

Alright, let's dearly hope that my minimal amount of sleep last night helps correct my sleep schedule finally, because it has gotten so seriously beyond ridiculous.

I think I've lost more weight than I actually was assuming I had already. Apparently it's real easy when I'm too stressed and distressed to eat. 🥲 May or may not beg to be put on a specific antidepressant. I really am struggling more horribly than even I can be aware of.

I'm starting to get very concerned with how quickly I just keep getting worse. This is frankly quite frightening and yet so out of my control. 🥲 I just have to sit back and watch more or less. Maybe this is the final spiral.

Hello you all. Apologies for the delayed update. I am doing worse lmfao, since that was apparently somehow possible. I am being trialed on an antidepressant, have been for a month now. Tonight the dose gets increased again. And, my ptsd has gotten much more severe unfortunately.

But my weight is down. Currently retaining water/bloated insanely but I've been able to wrap my hands around the top of my thighs again finally recently/currently! I've eaten too much for a couple days though so today I am cutting back some, back to ideal.

Anyway, I am exhausted and want coffee. And to be loved for once lol. This existence is a miserable hellscape and I desperately need these flashbacks to stop, I haven't even gotten my PRN refilled yet. So perhaps I may allow myself to relapse tonight, need new blades though.

Sorry for continuing to sparsely post. I am at a very very rough point if I'm being honest. I have been for a while, but no matter what I do it just keeps going downhill. Really fucking sucks frankly.

Been struggling so immensely both physically and mentally in recent times that I've basically been spending most of my time lately just reading. I have read so many books.. If you have any recommendations, lmk. Though I do need more varied outlets to distract me from reality too.

Another night aimlessly dissociated at midnight. Stressed as all hell, got an appointment tomorrow. I can just hope it goes well and I get the increased help that I desperately need atp. I think I want to start working out again tomorrow, Idk...

Well, seems I'll be having a busy day tomorrow. Unfortunate update as well, my appointment the other day went awful + I have gotten 0 help LMAO. And was basically told I'm a lost cause/none of her preferred options will help but I have to keep doing the things that won't help. 😎

Life has gotten so absolutely fucked. I do not know that I've ever, in my 25 years (entire life but ignore that I guess 🥲) of struggling to some extent, felt this fucking horrible.

Loving my metal as always though. And my partner. I've lost my appetite entirely and feel like barfing 24/7 due to everything, so restriction is finally coming easy again. My weight had gone up due to some stuff, but is going to be back to my safe zone very quickly hopefully.

But I've also become so depressed again that I've lost all motivation and given up on literally everything again. No use trying on shit I hated anyway, or atleast certainly was not enjoying. Though I have also given up on what I did enjoy at one point, so...

So life has been a wreck. I've been in a horrendous binge/restrict cycle but I am fixing that, starting today. I also after 3 months clean relapsed with sh again a couple days ago now- though I've succeeded in hiding it thus far this time. Generally pretty shit rn though.

Finally hello again to you all. Everything sucks and I've been too depressed to post for awhile. Desperately need to get my diet back on track again. 😭 But had a very minor surgery last week that has been real damn rough. Likely going to have to have ANOTHER very soon too. 😭

I am finally off of that godforsaken fucking antidepressant. That was an indescribably miserable over 6 months. Then my psych went off on me in an absolutely disgusting way, killed the last bit of trust left without even being aware of it! Really have to look for a new one now.

So, I am finally permanently fixing my diet today. Like seriously locking the fuck in (even if I do still find that term rather humorous, it is apt for this scenario). Like seriously going to make absolute sure that I get back to a comfortable weight so damn quickly.