New record: was awake for almost 45 minutes today before hearing the word "game-changer."

How the hell should I know? Does anyone?

Not sure why they're called "tweens"but this week my 12 year old daughter made out with a boy in his basement and also got a ballon after her dentist appointment.

Tip: pause after typing hahahah to make sure it didn't change to HAHAHAH before pressing send

Email "It's time to re-order checks!" I have enough to last me until I'm 235 but thanks

Someday I won't mind snide comments on my battery life when I send screenshots. But for now it pisses me off

If I ever text you "too funny", most of the time it means not funny enough

Just yelled at this guy "Hey watch where you're going"

Shaving with a straight razor is really fun if you enjoy visualizing your own murder about 40 times first thing in the morning

Having the thought while meditating "I'm not very good at this..." is exactly why I need to meditate

The best movie James Earl Jones was in is Coming To America #zamunda #king

If we’re going to continue to along these lines, shouldn’t the man who impregnates a woman who dies because she couldn’t get an abortion be tried for murder?

Status: Still no idea what I'm doing but getting a lot better at it

1970: Wow the future is gonna be awesome 1980: the future is gonna be awesome 2024: The 70’s and 80’s were awesome

"I hate kids" says more about you than kids

"The world is watching", like we care what they think all of a sudden

In 2024 people are upset about what a newspaper is not doing.

People still make references to putting such and such "on speed dial" which is just so funny and great. It may never die

I just pardoned my mother.

I’m not sure what I just watched but I love it.😅😂