Can finally announce: I am humbled, honored, and frankly still in shock to be the new CEO of Twitter. Though we haven't always seen eye to eye (Edgelord memes! Verification fiasco! The "sink" joke being the full extent of his business plan!) I am thrilled Elon Musk took a chan

Whether he has failed to rescue people from a cave and then called the actual rescuer a pedophile, sent CPAP machines to hospitals instead of direly needed ventilators, or spent $44 billion to ruin his reputation and legacy, Elon Musk has always been on the forefront of

He is so much more than the apartheid profiteer heir of an emerald mine owner who openly hates him, he is a man whose current only friend is Jared Kushner. I know that with his level of know-how and unimpeachable foresight, gorklon rust will definitely go to Mars in his lifeti

Though he can only conceive children in a laboratory setting no matter how many women he impregnates and his facelifts are melting, I will show up for Twitter the way he shows up year after year for the Met Gala despite turning his nose up at "Media Elites" when they mock him.

I am also finally able to disclose, Elon made over $68,000 from his flagship innovation Twitter Blue! We at Twitter thank him for that smart and lucrative idea and wish him the best in his future projects. We know they will be great and only explode a handful of people.

Wow! Thank you all for the tremendous show of support! My first day is going great. In keeping with the outgoing CEO’s good and sensical method, I’ll be using the following poll to make all hires. “Have you implanted a chip in monkeys’ brains and it killed each and every monkey?”

I'm back on Twitter but only to ask for a blueskysocial invite. Can u invite me? Done with Twitter, but I want to try jack's new social media thing. I don't know if anyone will see this, but if you do, please DM.

ARE YOU GOD? prove it by dm-ing me a bluesky invite

Truly incredible how it took only three years for Elon Musk to shift his public image from “eccentric genius, futurist, progressive” to “subnormal intelligence, impossibly bad business instincts, unlikeable, fascist”

Do I follow you? Are you on T2 or any of the other Twitter knock-offs? I'd love to see you there. Lmk which one you're using

alanis morissette: it's ironic when you want a spoon but you get a knife me: you still don't get it alanis

Who would like to ditch this cursed platform and join us on Bluesky? I have one invite code available to the first FOLLOWER who responds. Thanks

I've never really recovered from the time my parents told me I was adopted, especially since they returned me to the orphanage and requested a refund.

Friend of mine here? I'll give you a BlueSky code if you'd like to defect. DM me if interested.

hey! remember me? follow me at andyjokedagain.bsky.social and i'll follow you back