“Oh my goodness, Jack Reacher,” he said, alone in the darkness of his bedroom, as he heard the second bone snap.

Just so y’all know: I am available.

New jam from my band, Unstable Shapes, is streaming everywhere!

Sometimes you’re having a shitty day but then you open a bag of fruit snacks and it’s like all grapes and you’re like “oh heeeeeeeeell yeah.”

I sing in a band called unstableshapes. We are releasing a new single on Friday, February 16. That same day we are playing a show at the #7thstentry w/ ANOTHER HEAVEN, Upright Forms, & Radiator Girl. It will rule. You should attend.

How late at night is too late to eat garlic bread? Asking for myself because I love garlic bread, goddammit.

Hold up, Pat Mahoney’ kids are named “Sterling” and “Bronze”?! Take the trophy back.

I hope you survived Valentine’s Day so you can jam this hot new cut from Unstable Shapes.

Hey The Sklar Brothers thanks for checking out unstableshapes’ first single a few weeks ago, we just released another one you might like called “The Local Sphinx.” It rocks just a tiny bit 😎

Improv dating profile: “Yes and” in the streets. “No but” in the sheets.

If I was Pizza Hut, I’d be pissed that every other pizza place also sells a “Meat Lover’s” pizza. Like, I INVENTED that shit, dogg. Trade-motherfuckin’-marked.

Tuesday bringing that Monday energy this week and I am not fuckin cool with it, dogg.

I’ll say this about bears: they never yell “let’s gooooooooo!” when they’re excited

Shane Gillis is pretty good as Kenny Powers on Tires.

You’ll never see every picture that’s ever been taken of you.

Christopher Nolan should play L. Ron Hubbard in a movie

Comedians, I challenge you to audit your usage of the word “just”

.CNN Scott Jennings is an idiot blowhard full of bad takes. Stop paying him to do it on your network, you’re embarrassing yourselves.

.Chris Ryan hearing you talk about the bands you’re currently jamming on today’s The Watch made think you might like my band unstableshapes hope you can check it out and dig it open.spotify.com/track/2abGPH29…