Are my tweets dishwasher safe? Spoiler alert: Yes

I love how companies market to NYC.

We are all lost and found every day.

You know that any captain needs his crew.

as your life changes, so will your circle.

what do you put in your chili? Cause I'm pretty sure I need to unfollow some of you.

The energy in this appellate court is all fucked up.

Extremely Loud & Incredibly Drunk

My production manager picked a hell of a weekend to quit.

New Yorkers would rather die than have to wait to cross the street.

I want this floor-cleaning robot for my house so I can tell guests, “Don’t mind the crumbs, my robot’s on break.”

Daylight savings time: The yearly reminder that I can’t tell time, can’t wake up, and that the sun personally hates me since it decided 4:30 pm is prime darkness hour. At this point I’m basically a vampire with no cool powers and a crippling caffeine addiction.

I’m a self-taught tweeter. Can’t you tell?

If you love cooking 7-10 meals a day then you’ll love having kids.

You ever hear of California clam chowder?