One day you're young then suddenly you have 4 different mustards in the fridge and you definitely have a favorite

Me: I’m about to sleep so hard My brain: you should probably research why choir is spelled that way

[being murdered] Can I make a suggestion ?

Nice bio. Did your mom write it for you?

Had to buy cream cheese for a recipe so I guess one of the kids is gonna be down a Christmas present this year.

I got tired of a conversation with a coworker this morning so I just said "the rest is pretty self explanatory" and then got off the call

I have again mismanaged the cookies.

I could really go for an Eggs Benedict right now but I just checked the pantry and we're all out of benedict

Just fall in love with me already so I can wear dirty sweatpants in front of you and eat an entire bag of Cheetos with a chip clip in my hair.

My favorite thing to do at the gym is stay home and eat a piece of cake.

Just changed my password so I’ll be locking myself out of my computer by the end of the day

So many people to disappoint, so little time.

When you die you either go to Heaven or Ohio

Find yourself the one who will turn your Waffle House into a Waffle Home

Well…my mom thinks I’m handsome so you can fuck off.

I was super excited for the cheezit bowl until I found out it was a football game

“My last two restraining orders were bullshit” ~me, flirting

I wrestle with my own demons but thankfully they go back to school Monday.

If there’s a god why do we still have Simon Cowell?