A mysterious monolith has appeared in my pants.

Flickr? I hardly know hxr.

I thought I had it in me to think of a cool tweet, but no. Not just yet.

Met Gala? Heck, I filmed her nephew’s Bar Mitzvah!

I suddenly realize that I forgot to do anything that I wanted to do with my life for the past 15 years.

I am programmed to momentarily black out as someone tells me their name.

Well, I give the experience of international travel right now -3 out of 5 stars

When NFT artist Chab Klanstern (Chris Pratt) discovers his latest 8-bit portrait of ex Brenda (Lily James) was unlawfully minted by blockchain pirate Prince Razzaq (Kumail Nanjiani), he embarks on a mission to buy it back. But the price… may be his sanity. DECENTRALIZED (2023)

I wish I knew how to make stuff that’s funny to people over 15 and under 50.

Honored to be joining the cast of #Futurama on its return! Just kidding, I paid for this photo at a convention 12 yrs ago. DiMaggio cackled in my face.

“Chew it, Punchie.”

Excited about the all-ghoul Beetlejuice reboot.

Where’s the girl? There was a specific girl on the hair dye box. That’s how I know which one is mine. This is a disaster.

No, Instagram, YOU don't meet MY criteria for verification.

When I came to the US as a kid, my normal human name Alan got transcribed as Elan. It was that way throughout school... And trust me, rich or poor, you don't psychologically recover from a thing like that.

Dammit. Dammit, dammit, dammit, DAMMIT!!

Oh hello, unexpected paralyzing stress.