End of an era…

Hootie & The Blowfish is just Eddie Vedder with a tambourine.

I think it’s dumb when women wear big hats. Except Rachel Green when it’s raining.

Should I watch Dune or should I just watch Harry Potter again?

Just unironically got mistaken for a 25 year old (at the casino) 🙃

Accidentally took my Adderall instead of Xanax…it’s going to be a very long (and productive) plane ride.

It’s Gaelic for, Thy Turkey’s Done. 💔

There are poop stains in all the toilets in Florida.

I’m not like other girls…I only drunk-text my parents.

I don’t know if I have a UTI or I’m drinking too much water…because I have a UTI.

“Sorry I’m late I have seasonal depression.”

So many birthdays…what was nine months ago 😂

This one actress got to be in Friends, The Office, and Gilmore Girls and I…was born a decade too late 😫

I only think Butterfingers are good because Bart Simpson said so.

I love onions and hate tomatoes so my relationship with pico de gallo is:

Just used a family restroom by myself am I going to hell aka airport jail?

Bold of this security site to assume that I have spouses and/or siblings.

#NewProfilePic

Dear universe, why does the best time always equal the least sleep? Love, Alyx

Is everyone doing standup without me?!