Doctor: Your body has run out of magnesium. Me: 0mg

About a hundred years ago, a couple brothers said they could fly. They were Wright.

Apparently to start a zoo you need at least two pandas, a grizzly and three polars. It's the bear minimum.

What does an escalator say when it stops working? Nothing, it just stairs.

Have you seen Christiano score against Gor Mahia.

I told my plants I love them, Now they're rooting for me.

Local derby W! ✊ #CFC | #CHEFUL

Never fall in love with a Tennis player... Love means nothing to them.

I can’t understand why my calculator just stopped working. It just doesn’t add up

My dad quit his job to pursue his dream in archeology. His career is now in ruins

My wife was livid when I told her I used all of our savings to buy stock in Bose. I told her to relax, it’s a sound investment

I started a poetry club in prison. It had prose and cons

Have you heard about the blind cyclops brothers? Neither have eye.

It was so cold yesterday my computer froze… It was my own fault though, I left too many windows open.

Ice cold.

I love telling cheesy jokes, but my friends are laughtose intolerant.

It’s my wife’s birthday next week and she’s been leaving jewelry catalogs all over our house. So I got her a magazine rack.

I once wrote and directed a theatrical performance on puns. It was a play on words.

A thief broke into the local theater last night. Reports say that he stole the spotlight.

I finally came up with a good joke about clocks. It’s about time.