Man I feel Old. People born in 2003 can legally drink alcohol now.

"Ah my fucking eyes" - me forgetting my phone is on max brightness in bed

I'm not Fat, I'm just previewing what I'll look like after Thanksgiving.

All that training for nothing. If I were Elon Musk I'd offer 500 million to Mike Tyson and Jake Paul to do a 3 minute knockout challenge.

Absolutely NO RAISINS allowed on THURSDAY!

"You don't look approachable" Is better than "You have Bitch Face"

"Men are Dogs" Some dogs are loyal But even the loyal ones wanna sniff some butt.

If I was a serial killer I'd probably target people that waste a Green Arrow.

Watching Liar Liar as a Kid and watching it as a separated parent is a totally different level

There's a corn dog stick behind my furniture somewhere

"Single mama of 4. They will always come first." Yeah no shit. They'll all hold you down and keep you from leaving.

She had a Skydiving photo and I just don't wanna take that chance of her trying to make me do that with her.

Sometimes it hits me; that I'm carrying a tiny TV with me 24/7

I'm at Grey Nose Hair age, but I hate pulling em out. I just tuck that shit in. "Get back in there!"

My Mandela Effect is that in the 90s my favorite Corn Nutz was in a Pink bag; and now I absolutely can't even find proof of its existence, but I know it was there cause it was my favorite!

Just a personal preference to not mess with women named after Cars

Sex is great and all, but have you ever had QT Mac and Cheese??

So single I never have to worry about what's on my phone.

This diet is really really hard to start.