Me: *gets up to go pee* My dog: *snaps awake from a dead sleep* FOLLOW YOU INTO THE BATHROOM & KEEP WATCH, GOT IT!

We all started off here with zero followers and then couldn't leave well enough alone.

[North Pole, 3am] “You got the stuff?” “You got my money?” “I wanna see them first.” “Here you go, 50 squeaky toys.” “How’s the quality?” “100% pure, unchewed.” “Santa won’t notice them missing?” “You let me worry about that.”

Doctor: It doesn’t look good Me: What? You haven’t even tested me for covid yet Doctor: Judging by that outfit you’ve clearly lost your sense of taste

I am at the point in my life where the hardest part of shoveling snow and ice off my driveway is putting my boots on. It also takes the most time.

I couldn't remember the word 'rain', so I just said "It's leaking outside" and I'm going to just keep going with that.

you had a mom and dad? i, too, had parents. you know, we’re not so different, you and i...

How many times do I have to click “ACCEPT COOKIES” before they send the cookies?

goodnight

My new flannel sweater looks like I come into town once a month for supplies.

Here’s a thought. Elon Musk .. how about if a tweet is fact checked that the delete function is removed so that the tweet can’t be immediately removed by the poster and thus giving the many that have already read the misinformation a chance to see the new information. 🤷🏼‍♂️

Columbo: The Traffic Cop Years. “Sorry to bother you, sir, I know you said you thought the light was green, you were very clear about that, but my superiors, they hate loose ends..."

If you eat anything at breakfast time it becomes a breakfast food. It’s science.

#FeelMyTerrorWhen banging the hell out of my little toe 😖

Me: I can still fit into my clothes from high school Them: ? Me: well, some of my clothes Them: ? Me: Fine, the socks .. I can still wear the socks

When asked to name Santa’s reindeer in trivia, don’t forget Olive, the other reindeer.

😂😂😂

Nice try girl with a great job and is mentally stable... Hello crazy chick with anger issues and a knife collection.