Hi, genuine Jew here. I know a thing or two about keeping cool in hot weather. Thought I’d share my ancestral wisdom with you.🧵!

Hi, I’m an aspiring comedian, and I’m thrilled to announce that my comedy‘s been highly praised by none other than TV’s David Walliams. Before I definitely print this quote on all my posters, I’m just gonna check Twitter and see what people are saying about David this eveni

I think they prefer “Arsenal” #LIVARS

Give the poor guy a break, he’s been through enough.

Keir Starmer’s being called “an idiot” on Bluesky. Hard to see how he survives this. Me for The Guardian.

This TNT coverage of the final match at Goodison Park is sensationally berserk. Duncan Ferguson just said “fuck” live on air at 11:30am. Peter Reid’s absolutely hammered. This is football TV heritage. #EFC #EVESOU #EndOfAnEra

#EuropaLeagueFinal #TOTMUN Me: I don’t wanna live in our gritty northern mining town. I wanna dance ballet down in London. Dad:

[Ad break on The Rest Is History] “Tom, we all think of protein shakes as a modern invention. But did you know the great figures of the past also loved Huel?” “That’s right Dominic. Eleanor of Aquitaine was reputedly absolutely jacked, and Beethoven was fucking ripped as shit.”

#Liverpool Has anyone seen these? Families out of their minds.

Loaves And Fishes ISA

Musk wants the Tottenham job. #THFC

I’m late to the party, but ‘Hacks’ is excellent, properly funny. Deborah Vance is an amazing role already, but Jean Smart’s performance is just perfect.

…and a bucket of Vindaloo.

I’ve already seen more from 40-year-old Aaron Lennon than I witnessed in an entire season of Jadon Sancho. #SoccerAid

That’s nothing. Ainsley Harriott just demanded the League of Nations take control of Danzig and the Polish Corridor.

Fuck’s sake, I stuck £40 on her.