“Arrest The President” – the first track from #EverythangsCorrupt just dropped. Hit the link and listen to some truth now. smarturl.it/ArrestThePresi…

Bandaids #cucumbereyealternatives

Those big beer boots that hold like 6 beer from the #pumphousebrewery #cucumbereyealternatives

Lint from the lint trap on the dryer #cucumbereyealternatives

Stop signs #cucumbereyealternatives

Boston cream doughnuts #cucumbereyealternatives

Cinnabon cinnamon buns #cucumbereyealternatives

Carrot sticks #cucumbereyealternatives

Egg mcmuffins #cucumbereyealternatives

Can't this guy just pick up a few coffees for his coworkers like a normal person? x.com/realdonaldtrum…

Forgot to put on deodorant today. Sweat-inducing panic ensued. Catch 22.

Sometimes, the twitter stars align and you end up with a great headline. Some kids don't wait at all, amarite?

There's literally candy residue on my phone screen in the aftermath of my candy-eating trance

I just realized that tranquilizer has the word tranquil in it. How did I not know this after 39 years?!

What's with oranges being the only fruit named after their colour? The person naming fruit was just like "what colour is it? DONE!"

Thinking about starting a line of foul-smelling candles. First up: wet dog #foulsmellingcandles

Swass #foulsmellingcandles

Athlete's foot #foulsmellingcandles

Walmart is basically a large version of the waiting room at an after hours clinic

I’m going to start referring to my guy friends as “strong” and “fierce”