“in the club, we all fam” i whisper to myself as i buy things i don’t need from costco

if your parents told you it was illegal to have a light on in the car at night, you may be eligible for financial compensation

maybe the real crime here is banning the world’s coolest dog

americans will use literally any measurement EXCEPT metric

If you see me ordering appetizers, just know my income tax has hit.

I wasn’t sure if the leftover meatloaf was still good so I gave it to my husband instead and now he is turning green and feels horrible. Dodged a bullet there.

Not to brag but... I once got a 3 point basket playing volleyball.

Stop honking, I’m trying to finish my Wordle

Me, sliding glass toward waitress: hit me again Waitress: you…you want a third milkshake Me: you heard me

It's like I always say...a quesadilla lasts only a minute, but chips and salsa go on forever.

There’s a man at the playground with such an impressive dad voice that when he yelled “PUT IT DOWN” I automatically dropped my book

I’m that psychopath who listens to absolutely no music while driving.

My bank account just slapped me three times and said “get ahold of yourself”

I am not skipping the gym, I'm still doing my *pre-workout *Eating Reese's Peanut Butter Hearts

Me: can’t they just make a shoe for women that is functional, comfortable 𝘢𝘯𝘥 attractive? Shoe industry: no, but have you tried our new line of high heeled slippers?

kind of lame i’m paying the same taxes as last year but this year i’m getting a shittier version of the government

Ladies, looking for a last minute valentine's gift for your man? Three words: battery organizer case

me, an american, every day in america since 2016

One moment you’re giving your friend a Nazi salute and just 136 days later you’re calling him a pedophile online, how the time flies