The matchup that always has your back…

The perfect piece of autumnal cinema

They sold me the whole seat. But I’m only gonna need….THE EDGE

Just seems kinda mean

Stop using doorbells in your commercials. Sincerely, my dogs

Who devised the NFL passer rating system, Joe Fahrenheit? “What will be our perfect score, M’lord?” “158.3”

Whoever says the U.S. government never does anything right has never stolen one of these beauties out from under Uncle Sam’s nose

(2063) “What was 2023 like, grandpa?” “Quite a time, boy. Quite a time. Every other TV commercial — regardless of product or service — featured a fake halftime locker room speech.” “Wowwww!”

I’d enjoy it too if I were in an air-conditioned Beamer Barn and smacking an inflatable Dee Reynolds…whatever happened to 100-degree 2-a-days where we injure each other?????

“I would like to not be curb-stomped tonight. Therefore, the call on the field is overturned.”

Sometimes Twitter makes it so you don’t even have to type it in the box #Hokies

“I see a white squiggle.” — my wife

Gonna have my 16-YO daughter make me a "Wingstop commercial" mix because that's the only modern rap that remotely sounds like the rap I used to love. Lotta bass, no mumbling, etc. I will request that she makes it on CD. She will decline. Boomer life.

I want to enter a rodeo someday just so I can say, "This IS my first rodeo."

Pearly Gates bouncer: “Would you say you were an honest man?” Me (using my Frank Beamer voice): “Abbbsolutely” PGB: “hmm…our records show you got a little loose with the ‘I am not driving’ button” Me: “I’ll show my way to hell.”

Points for honesty!

Also scheduled to pitch today: Hondo Piston, Bull Bald and Hippo King

My homemade opening day sausage feast ain’t ever been better. Reps, baby. Reps. Age-48 SZN. Go Os.

I’m calling BS on Biz Markie having friends named Agnes and Agatha

If you’re not listening to this on your Sony Walkman on the bus en route to your high school football away game in 1994, you might not be honorable mention all-district material