Nike is dropping my shoe contract due to over 13,000 insults I directed at mommas between March 4th of 1978 and last night. I appreciate privacy during this difficult time.

There was a guy in my row at the Toronto Maple Leafs game last night that was as INTENSELY into the peewee hockey mini-game as he was for the ACTUAL game. And 👏 I 👏 here 👏 for 👏 it. 👏

Arena No. 21 on my NHL Bucketlist Tour! My Labatt Blue Light jersey has been to all of them! Scotiabank Arena, Toronto, Canada. Sat. 5 Nov. 2022: Toronto Maple Leafs Vs. Boston Bruins Took my nephew Bruce to my first (😳) Canadian Arena on the Bucketlist! Boston on Monday for Arena #22!

New episode of Scary Funny Show is up NOW with guest Alex Hooper! We’ve mentioned the rumors of a haunted The Comedy Store but we talk a little more about it here! Listen, subscribe & leave a 5-star rating! Available where you get podcasts! Links at scaryfunnyshow.com!

Maybe it's not your "talent".. maybe I just don't like you as a person. You ever think about that?

I’m finally sitting in a section at a hockey game that wins a random thing, but I can’t use the prize because it’s for a place in a city I don’t live in. 🤦🏻

Still epic.

Always a joy & honor to open for my buddy Brad Williams especially in my hometown, but he just sold out the whole weekend at Helium Comedy BUF so if you haven’t gotten tickets yet, sorry 🤷🏻‍♂️

The saddest of Nerd News. Kevin Conroy was THE quintessential Batman to generations. West, Keaton, Kilmer, Clooney, Affleck, Pattinson … they all wore the cowl. But we only ever heard Kevin’s voice. This one hurts, man. Fuck. Just. Fuck. #RIPKevinConroy

Damn. Another one. #BuddFriedman was a Korean War veteran, U.S. Army Infantryman, Purple Heart Recipient & started one of the most influential chains of comedy clubs on the planet, Improv Comedy Clubs. He lived a lot of life. A lot of comics owe our careers to him. #RIPBuddFriedman

Just finished my last set of the weekend at Helium Comedy BUF in my hometown. I look up at the TV in the bar and see my buddy Mary Beth Wrobel on 7 News WKBW :)

There was a guy at a show tonight Syracuse Funny Bone Comedy Club who wasn’t laughing while I was on stage, sitting across from his buddy who WAS laughing. So I timed out a punch line for when the laughing guy was taking a drink. He spitlaughed his beer onto the guy not laughing. And my work is done

10 days on the road, on the East Coast. Weather fluctuating between 20º and 75º the whole time. 7 shows in 4 days. Very little sleep. Back home in LA. Do flu symptoms include a bad craving for crappy fast food? Asking for me.

Conventional wisdom (along with WebMD & my girlfriend) say not to eat processed foods while I have the flu. But all I want is canned chicken noodle soup and bottled OJ. I am not cooking myself chicken soup & I am not squeezing fresh OJ. Soooooooooo 🤷🏻‍♂️

I’m. So. Sick. Of. Chicken. Noodle. Soup.

Everyone telling my to drink tea for my throat while I’m sick… Me:

Catching up on Do Go On episodes when I hear this bit of wisdom from Matt Stewart, “Alaska is sort of like the Canada of the America.” 🤣🤣

You ever get one of those random, super painful muscle cramps in your calf or foot out of no where? Well I just got one. While I was Live. On the air. And it took all the Jesus in me not to scream out in pain. You'll never know the kind of strength I just showed.

I opened this app tonight because a friend DM’ed me, just to see that #ApparentlyTwitter is on the verge of collapse. So if the next time I open it & nothing happens. 🤷🏻‍♂️ Oh well. Not a lot of love lost for a platform that helped fuck Democracy for the last 5 yrs. Peace out.