Sorry, I liked your tweet one second after you posted it but in my defense, I’ve had my phone in my hand since 2012

hard to find the balance between educating yourself on current events and not making yourself so indescribably sad that you can’t properly function

Fuck it. Let the bed bugs bite.

“You are who you hang out with” *never hangs out with anyone*

(australian voice) i just saur naursfauraurtaur

Absence does not make my heart grow fonder at all lmao. I will forget you exist.

watching all of them squirm in their seats is very satisfying. this was extremely badass and immaculately delivered

It’s snowing where it never snewed before.

Chris MacRitchie jumped into frigid waters to rescue a stranger's drowning dog named Arizona. "It’s brave, it’s selfless, it’s commendable. It’s everything that I think that we were on this Earth to be," her owner said of his heroism. 12/10

WHEN????

they should invent a one step forward that doesn’t involve two steps back

"It could be drugs," I tell myself as I buy more books

I just smuggled 40 kilos of eggs in the US and now my name is Pablo Eggscobar.

I’ll only try 147 times. After that we’re done.

A group of people is called a fuck no

Tippy taps.. 😊

This is Duncan. He just had his first blueberry, and now demands another. 12/10

Seeing your notification on my phone makes me horny.