just said “thank you” out loud when a website asked me if I was 13 years or older

getting drunk and playing fetch with my dog is the new “party bus”

I want a lawyer who I text about literally everything that happens to me on the off chance I can sue someone

would like to remind everyone that the hunger games series ends with Jennifer Lawrence sobbing and throwing a mug at a cat

can someone please explain taxes to me? actually nevermind don’t

I have yet to see any murder hornets, which I find disappointing, as I would like to psychically fight one

liberals will wash their mask once a week but haven’t washed their duvet cover since they experimented with bisexuality in undergrad

not me texting “I feel like I’m gonna die” to every group chat I’ve made since 2010

President Joseph Robinette Biden and VP Kamala Batmanette Harris

math teacher Sophie’s choice 🤝 carry the one

the little strings in the Amazon packaging tape are made of Satan's whiskers

“if the world was ending you’d come over right” no I would go to fucking chili’s

the only d’amelio I care about is d’amelio mignonette thermopilis renaldi

BREAKING: exclusive additional AND VERY REAL footage of Miya Ponsetto (and her lawyer) from the CBS interview !!!!!

if a romantic comedy is a rom com then why isn’t a dinner date a rom nom

teeth are bones??? that rot if you eat CANDY??!!! i don’t think so God try again honey

you want drama??? try the ALPHABET!!! G is constantly like HI :-) and J is just like ....K???meanwhile L is minding her own business but M is always telling her NO.

did it hurt?? when the captain of ur middle school basketball team sat on ur lap and then u farted and then he said “i really squeezed that one out of u huh”

I think I am the least famous person to ever be verified on twitter

I hate gay halloween what do you mean you’re Dakota Johnson and limes