Oh my goodness!

I used to hate going to restaurants alone… now I prefer it. I can eat my French toast in peace.

Relationship goals: read me funny tweets and tell me I’m pretty.

I’m not a crying man… but if you turn on any episode of This Is Us… and I’m sobbing.

My next holiday is February 15, when all the Valentines Day candy goes on sale.

Honestly, who doesn’t have an Only Fans these days?

I’ve been trying to start tweeting more… but maybe I shouldn’t even be tweeting at all. What if I’m not good at it?

I’m so cold, I don’t think it’s possible for my nipples to get any harder.

Back to the computer! Omg, I’m such a nerd. Let’s see if I have any new comments!

Does anyone still listen to Lips of an Angel?

That moment when you’re laying in bed feeling happy with your day, then your brain goes…“hey, before you go to sleep, I just want you to remember how embarrassing your snapchat name is.”

There’s still time for someone to tell me they love me before Valentines.

I want to meet the psycho that eats the boiled eggs from the company kitchen fridge.

I was Josh Safdies muse when he wrote uncut gemzzz.

Gaslighting has to be one of the worst things you can do to someone!

I wonder if God ever sees me standing naked in the bathroom watching TikTok’s for 2 hours after taking a shower.

We’re having an all night revival, baptize me in a bottle of Beam, put Johnny on the vinyl. 🎶

“Kum & Go” is a terrible gas station name… but “Loaf ‘N Jug” might actually be worse!

I lost my job today, guys! But don’t worry… I’m gonna be fine.