Do you think when R. Kelly went for walks he marked his territory around the neighborhood?

My knight got killed at medieval times of course I’m not having good day.

Ironic Ohtani is hitting bombs for Hiroshima #dodgers

My Cybertruck saved me from getting seriously injured when a guy blew a light and hit me. Hey Elon Musk Tesla any chance I can get another one?

People who put gum in urinals should be shot.

Jesus babe… 12 disciples? Get your clout up.

Someone said Creed is guys ‘pink pony club’ and I couldn’t agree more

I think a good reflection of human nature is, despite the odds, all of us still have hope of having a perfect bracket. #MarchMadness

Should you get charged less if your uber driver is using self driving?

London is just cursive New York.

Gotta throw some dust on my boots I bought for stagecoach so it looks like I’ve actually lived this life

I would have went to the NBA if I didn’t tear my acl… and was good at basketball

You’ll be getting ice cream with your mom then she’ll randomly hit you with “my second cousin’s friend got hit by a car” and just torpedo the day.

Guy next to me on my flight just texted someone “I’m douched and dangerous”

I saved a life today… gave the heimlich. I’m just embarrassed to tell the story because it was at a Buca di Beppo‘s.

Ladies PSA: please make sure to wish your actual father a happy Father’s Day… not just me

Pretty cool it’s the dead of winter and I still have time to get my summer body.

I have a niche pet peeve. Couples who cheat and help each other in board games.

I want to start a bagel company in New York called North Yeast.