My impression of every man when the condom breaks... “You had one job!”

New Yorkers - “Who are you not to have Roaches?”

Whoever comes after Donald J. Trump better open all the windows & sage the shit out of that White House #progress

Ever heard this old saying? You can be a 1) puppet w/no strings 2) puppet w/strings being controlled, but you’re unaware 3) puppet w/strings who is aware of your ‘controller’. In which version are you the most free? I don’t know, but Jeffrey Toobin turned his co-workers into #2

SCOTUS ruling set to allow Pennsylvania election officials to receive and count mail-in ballots three days after the election x.com/i/events/13183…

Relatable... facebook.com/14832264717851…

If anger is the emotion traveling fastest online & if what travels fastest is cheapest then we’ve created a world where thoughtfulness costs more & takes longer to appreciate... at least that’s what i’ll blame when no one reads this #selfunawareness #capitalism #restraint #denial

Yes! Trump’s Administration has the highest Dupability factor. Thanks Sacha Baron Cohen & Rudy W. Giuliani #dupability

Trump gets Americans. He’s betting enough of us are sitting & eating garbage food while not thinking. That’s why he attacked the mail. We may be a nation that eats couch-inducing & thought resistant food, but as Joey Chestnut proves we’ll take absolutely any challenge Be safe!

Standing in the now typical long line to vote, when a women in the backseat of a car said rolled by with the window down and said “excuse me, what are you voting for?” Guess we’re in a line voting for better questions... #PayAttention

New show starts tonight!! DM for deets :) Come out!!

Republicans are Very Mad (again) about my appearance. This time they’re mad that I look good in borrowed clothes (again). Listen, if Republicans want pointers on looking your best, I’m happy to share. Tip #1: Drink water and don’t be racist

I will listen to Cillian Murphy read that bedtime story, but for now this reverb pedal review video knocked me out! youtu.be/L3h0KK1SmTY #guitarplayer #sleepaid #reverb

Dont believe the hype

A liberal Jewish Senate candidate is doing well in a state that hasn’t gone blue since ‘92. In that Presidential race Governor Bill Clinton won by less than 1%, & only bc Ross Perot took nearly 15% away from H.W. Vote! #Jewsforgeorgiamaybe #2020Election #FlipTheSenateBlue

Baby f#^king steps!!! nytimes.com/live/2020/11/0…

Swing voters at the polls today better never talk shit about gender non-binary people. Now you know what it’s like to be terrified by two choices. #2020Elections #2020PresidentialElection #gender #nonbinary #LGBTQ #BidenHarrisToEndThisNightmare #BidenHarris2020

Asking America to pick a President between Biden & Trump is like asking someone to pick a husband between Al Bundy & Swackhammer. #2020Election

Some blue votes not yet counted at 11:30AM... over 600,000 in Philly 900,000 in Pittsburgh 23,000 in Raleigh 44,000 in Charlotte 19,000 in Fayetteville 900,000 in the Atlanta metro area Almost 200,000 in Detroit. #BidenHarrisToEndThisNightmare #2020Election #BattlegroundState

10AM Political Pickle Back Update - Whiskey burn: Lindsay Graham & Mitch McConnell won & remain in the Senate Pickle Juice: Biden on track to get another 110,000 votes in Philly, 49,000 in Pittsburgh & 33,000 in Delaware County #2020Election #BidenHarrisToEndThisNightmare