When you manage to tell the cop to kiss your ass without taking the blunt out of your mouth.

Friend: "Dude I made a huge mistake last night!" Me: "Wait did we somehow have sex?"

Wanna feel like Satan is raming your tailhole? Carolina Reaper.

Huh. The Steam Deck... It's kinda like the Nintendo Switch except it doesn't suck.

When you're chugging long islands with someone who's a teacher and you can't help but to think... " This guy is really a shaper of young minds? We're fucked."

When you wake up because it sounds like someone's trying to break into your house. You get your gun and rush outside and yell, "FREEZE!" Point your gun down to only see it's 2 cats fucking. -_-

Sticking a plunger on someone's face and then you have to explain how you confused them for a toilet because they're both full of shit. 😁

Why do so many women try to use the "Oh I'm on my period." Line as an excuse for being a total bitch cunt?

*picking up a friend* Seatbelts everyone. Friend: I don't to wear a seatbelt. It's uncomfortable. Me: Do you have gun? Friend: Yes. If we get pulled over by a cop and I get fine for you not wearing a seatbelt I will literally beat you to death in front of the cop with ur own gun

Cop: "Why are charging only $2 for tug job. A Big Mac is $6." Me: "Because that also comes with fries and a drink."

Me: "You might need to get a cocktractor to fix that." Co-worker: "Don't you mean a contractor?"

Woo Hoo made it another year!

The first rule of a good party is everyone gets hammered.

The second rule to a great party is fun party games. Spin the drunk Guy. Cards Against Humanity. And a shooting range. Because Guns and Liquor are a great combination when you're hammered!

Rule number 3 for a good party. It's not official party till the cops show up! And as the birthday boy you get to tell him to finger your ass while they suck your cock!

Friend: "Sorry I'm so late to the party but... OpTic I know you'll wanna sign this petition for banning gun.... I'm just gonna go...."

Muslim city council in Michigan bans pride flags. youtu.be/DFIy7YdT9NM

Idea for a metal band name... Blood on the keyboard

Do you have a friend that's allergic to something yet they'll eat it once a month? Friend: "Oh that's what an EpiPen is for."

"Out of all my furfriends I'm the normal one." Friend: "Dude 2 weeks ago I walked in and you were arguing with your tail." My tail started it but I finished it.