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Policeman 2: "Get in the back of the van!"

I: "Oh, for fuck's sake."

I: "What are you doing?"

I: "Night-night then, Monty."

Withnail: "Bastard asked me to understudy Constantine in The Seagull. I'm not going to understudy anyone, especially that little pimp. Anyway, I loath those Russian plays. Always full of women starring out of windows whining about ducks going to Moscow."

Parkin: "Shut that gate and keep it shut!"

Withnail: "He wants to come in. He's trying to get in."

Withnail: "Your two and up two."

Withnail: "Balls. I'll swallow it and run a mile."

I: "Yeah, yeah. I know he is."

I: "You've got to throttle `em. Withnail, I think you ought to strangle it instantly in case it starts trying to make friends with us."

Withnail: "Because I want to walk you to the station."

Monty: "No. No. I shall need you to work on the joint. I hear you're a little wizard in the kitchen."

Monty: "Indeed I remember my first agent. Raymond Duck. Dreadful little Israelite. Four floors up on the Charring Cross Road and never a job at the top of them. I'm told you're a writer, too. Do you write poems?"

Withnail: "It's a bloody chicken. Just think of it with bacon across its back. Alright, I'll deal with this. You'll have to get its guts out."

Monty: "Oh, of course you are. Cooking's one of the natural instincts."

Withnail: "Sherry."

Monty: "It is the most shattering experience of a young man's life when one morning he awakes and quite reasonable says to himself"

Withnail: "I've got one!"

Withnail: "Shouldn't it be more bald than that?"