I think there’s a freaky ass ghost living in my walls

Cranking up Slipknot to drown out the health inspector

Logged into my old YouTube account that I had forgotten about, where I posted a video of me farting…It has over 3 million views

I keep ignoring the tall figure shrouded in a black, hooded robe that hides its face and form, showing visions of my unmourned death. Doesn’t say shit just one boney ass finger pointing at my own grave like 🫵🪦

almost every person who has ever donated money to me on twitch has asked for it back lmao

It’s crazy to reflect on how much I’ve grown as a person. A few months ago I had a full proof plan to rob every big streamer attending TwitchCon

operating and maintaining a drug house with intent to deliver and manufacture was less stressful than going live on twitch

This fat hog of mine I’m gonna let it shine

Oh yeah? Did they teach you this in culinary school? (pulls out a rat hiding under my chef hat that chewed off a good portion of my hair)

My eye doctor kept getting frustrated asking me, “number 1 or number 2?” over and over again. I didn't know what he wanted from me, so I just panicked and did both in the chair

Ok which one of you jackasses broke into my house and left The Great British Bake Off on full blast?

Hurt my back pinning my wife’s legs behind her head. Now I’m walking around with a heating pad draped over my shoulder like it’s the Undisputed WWE Championship belt

Oh you like going to art museums? How well cultured of you to stare at dudes with angel wings and they ding-a-ling out

I’m a bad lil bitch always have always will be

going to someone’s house for the first time, then immediately hopping in the shower and coming out soaking wet like nothing happened

if you invite me into your home, i’m gonna convince you that you have a gas leak within the first 5 minutes of being there

accepting that my first home is most likely gonna be a nursing home

teleporting into the kitchen to get a snack gotta be in the top 10 waste of my special abilities

interplanetary remote viewing liquor stores unknown to man

*Already a few strokes in* “Hold on. Now you're telling me you believe in Bigfoot?”