Lincoln to Ulysses S. Grant:

This is so insane to me. Why would you come on here if you don’t have things to tweet. I’m only on here because there’s stuff I gotta get out because there’s something wrong with me…something much worse going on with whoever uses this

I wrote about Norm Macdonald and O.J. Simpson for GQ. gq.com/story/only-nor…

you work for years to afford Friday tickets and bring dad and he’s finally gonna tell you he’s proud of you and then Tiger Woods drives a fucking nuke straight into his dome

This steno notebook in honor of the fallen homie Gregg. Gonna miss you man

REACTION SPEED [Easy: Failure] - You strike the coolest pose you are able to produce. Something once bright shrivels inside your chest, turning black and small. The photographer activates his camera, immortalising this little death.

'I'm writing a book that I hope will turn out totally normie-proof.' - Cormac McCarthy in 1983

PPP and student debt forgiveness definitely differ in meaningful ways, making the narrow hypocrisy claim (that relies on it being 'loan forgiveness') not a slam dunk. But the broader hypocrisy claim - taking welfare while criticizing others getting welfare - still lands fine imo

lol - getting pizza slice and the guy in front of me (trying to banter with the cashier) is like “you made mine with extra love right” and the cashier very solemnly and Eastern European accentedly said “it’s made with normal amount pepperoni”

I think what confuses people about Conan O’Brien is he looks like he should be funny in one way, but he’s actually funny in a different, much better way

I’ve said it before on here, and I’m gonna say it again: it doesn’t matter whether you believe in climate change, only that the insurance industry does

commit to the bit and get a split diopter rig. the children yearn for practical optical effects

If I have to live with them they are going to learn manners

conservatives should be scared of urban living. if you say 'howdy neighbor!' to a stranger in the big city they kill u

pedocon theory remains undefeated