When god created the world, he was like “lmao”

Dave needs to stop trying to be a dramatic television program

Digiorno should open a delivery spot. I’d go

Ooofff Coda is like bad Glee

Can you name movie where the A plot is about old people falling in love & it is good?? Hmm 🤔

Truly incredible how much toothpaste you can get out of this tube

If only people were as resilient as toothpaste tubes

new album tonight called ‘A Treatise on the Rainbow’

listen.niceguysrecords.com/a-treatise-on-…

Oreos should be in everything except fried Oreos which are disgraceful

Why do we pronounce “One” that way. There is no W

Breakfast buffets are wasted on the morning

New Yorkers get so mad when I call the 456 the green one

Did anyone ever see Hidalgo

god damn i'm craving corn nuts so bad right now

I don’t trust people who love to travel

How come busy adults are so concerned with missing their child’s little league game

English philosophy: The world is good French philosophy: My soul is good Greek philosophy: Triangles and circles are good German philosophy: I'm a monster

went to Giedi Prime in 2018, oh wait, that was Berlin

i think love dies in a relationship when two people are no longer curious about each other