Sorry citizens! Lately things have been going too well in the gun violence dept. to make changes. Our apologies! Message approved by the NRA

Don't you see? If only that on-duty police officer at MIT was carrying a gun then perhaps he could have used a tactic we call "self-defense"

Our primary goal is not to serve American citizens. It is, in fact, to undermine Barack Hussain Obama at the expense of human lives.

Guns don't kill people, we do!

We are in fact serving the American public. Think about it this way: what would news be after all without a little good-hearted tragedy?

Our founding fathers were inherently wrong. Life, liberty, and the pursuit of happiness actually means guns, Jesus, and white supremacy.

Democrats are too soft on crime. They should follow the Republican example and condone mass shootings.

It is imperative that we divert our attention from any significance and answer the question: Fifty Shades of Gray, an American classic?

I am proud to announce that tonight I will rest well with a certainty that I have paved the way for even bigger and better violence to come.

BREAKING NEWS: It's been confirmed that every senate member is an imbecile! Between this news and the recent gun violence, we're overjoyed!