UPDATE: I've just ordered CSIS to classify anyone who opposes gender ideology as a violent extremist.

People who look out for children are not welcome in Canada.

That's why we're escalating our rhetoric, so they'll be forced to mutilate their children or face jail time.

For years, wildfires have been caused by only two things - lightning or humans - but my Government has discovered a third cause.

Warm temperatures.

If the air is warm near a tree it will spontaneously catch fire, especially in Alberta where they don't pay enough climate taxes.

Today, we celebrate the International Day Against Homophobia, Transphobia, and Biphobia ( #IDAHTB )

This follows the Trans Month of Visibility, and preceeds Pride Season, which runs from June to September.

Don't know what 'Biphobia' is? That's okay, neither do I.

Pierre Poilievre has repeatedly said he doesn't plan to reopen the abortion debate, but that won't stop me from misleading people.

That's why I've ordered Minister of Foreheads Mark Gerretsen 🇨🇦 🇺🇦 to help me spread misinformation and disinformation.

Abortion is a great wedge issue

My Government is on track to implement our wealth redistribution scheme, and we're doing this for one simple reason.

Canadians who succeed MUST be punished.

Volume up, and listen to me literally say the words 'we've seen far too many people... do extremely well'.

Today, my Government dressed up in a Vyshyvanka, a traditional Ukrainian shirt, in the Canadian House of Commons.

But this isn't the first time I've played dress-up.

Here's a few good memories from other times I used my costumes to embarrass Canadians on the world stage.

You might wonder why the forests in Alberta catch fire far more often than other forests around the world, and the answer is simple.

The Sun Monster is angry at Canada.

That's why we must increase our climate taxes, to help pay the arsonis... I mean... fight climate change.

Some people think it's funny to show clips from my boxing days, where I'm getting the daylights knocked out of me.

This is a direct attack on our democracy.

If I've made your life worse over the past nine years, please DO NOT watch and enjoy this video.

Calls for me to step down are now coming from inside my own party.

Hate like this has no place in Canada.

Moving forward, any liberal who suggests I resign will be removed from Parliament, have their assets frozen, and be trampled by horses.
thebureau.news/p/canada-cant-…

Today, I gave a speech which was heavily edited by my communications team.

Volume up, and watch how many times they crop out my 'ums' and 'ahs' to make me sound less illiterate.

Also, everything I'm saying is bullsh*t - Meta is following the rules my Government put in place.

Today, I met with Quebec City Mayor @BrunoMarchand.

Unfortunately, I always get nervous around attractive men.

Watch here as I awkwardly go in for a handshake, switch to an intimate embrace last minute, then spend a moment staring deep into his eyes.

HAPPENING NOW: My Government is investing nearly $2-million taxpayer dollars in a pasta manufacturing plant in Brampton.

Literally every single policy I announce hurts me in the polls, so I'm trying to throw money at something that might help.

Everyone loves pasta. Right?!

There has been an assassination attempt on PM Robert Fico of Slovakia.

This man has denounced the WHO Pandemic Treaty, support for Ukraine, and global mass vaccinations.

Obviously I will stay silent, because bringing any attention to his policies does not serve me politically.

Yesterday, I met with children at a daycare centre in Ontario.

There was a boy there who is the same colour as me!

As Canada's first black Prime Minister, I always enjoy meeting black children after I've mocked their skin tone by wearing blackface more times than I can count.

The news has broken that I did not consult any lawyers or legal experts before invoking the #EmergenciesAct .

Let me be clear - I don't care.

My ego is so big, and my narcissism is so hungry, that I will do anything I want to whether it complies with the law or not.

Today, I was asked if I would step down due to my overwhelming unpopularity.

My answer is simple, never!

That's why I'm suspending the next election indefinitely, and staying in power forever.

I am the King of Canada.

Today, I sent Minister of Climate Hysteria Steven Guilbeault to BC to spread misinformation.

Just like during COVID, imagery is everything.

That's why I ordered him to wear an absolutely ridiculous 'I ❤️ Heat Pumps' t-shirt, in hopes that it becomes a new liberal fashion trend.

It's time to change the tax system in Canada, by redistributing wealth.

To do this, I'm going to target your grandmother.

Volume up, and listen to my plan to punish retirees for working hard their entire lives, by telling them 'it's not fair'.

The wildfire smoke caused by the oil & gas industry in Western Canada is drifting into Ottawa this evening.

This proves that your climate taxes are not enough to counter the arsonis... I mean... climate change.

That's why we're adding a 100% climate tax on everything you buy,

Today, I'm visiting a child care centre in Southwestern Ontario.

That's a big place, but I won't be any more specific until the cameras actually roll.

I've destroyed the lives of so many Canadians, I can't afford to tell anyone where I'm actually going or they'll show up with