If student loans want my forgiveness they'll have to earn it with a genuine apology plus tickets to the matinee.

Don't care if Netflix limits my password sharing so long as they don't force me to strengthen the password by requiring at least one symbol.

I don't negotiate with terrorists but i will consider interesting trades.

There is neither Bhad Bhabie nor Good Bhabie, but thinking makes it so.

Have successfully completed 45 minutes of no fap, a new personal record.

"I can put you in first class" - jack harlow sticking a First-Class postage stamp onto an envelope

If we're being real the met is not even a top 5 gala.

Never go to Bedmad, Massachusetts.

Walking a red carpet step and repeat is a great way to get your 10,000 daily repeats.

Is it too much to ask for a single headline not about the government sending tanks but rather tank tops to our most buff allies.

Tall folk are the first to know when it's raining but short people are the first to know when the floor is lava.

My dad used to get upset if I used the air conditioning now he gets upset that I use only fans.

If we fought there would be two hits: me hitting you, and you hitting the lava (because the floor is lava).

Good luck trying a filibuster on the senate floor now that the senate floor is lava.

Keep calm and carry a line of t-shirts featuring moderately clever derivations of this old British wartime slogan.

People in 2023 using Bingo cards as a metaphorical device is not something i had on my bingo card.

Who is behind the over-labeling of things as an "industrial complex" complex?

You are an identical twin. I am a fraternal. We are not the same.

Do ducks even like bread or is that just the only thing humans happen to toss at them.

When did grandma and grandpa get replaced by some variation of "peepop" and "marmee mawmaw".