If you eat bacon with a fork then just be a vegan.

The messed up thing they never tell you is that Sponge Bob does pee. But since he’s a sponge it immediately is absorbed by his body. Bob is 93% urine.

“How did we let music that’s meant to honor God become the worst music on earth ever and that God hates us for making?” - Mother Teresa

I think now when someone disrespects you and you slap them it should be called The Jiggy Slap. “Say it again MF’er and you’ll get jiggy with it”

How long are people practicing TikTok dances?

What’s the dumbest thing your ever thought was cool? Mine is the PT Cruiser.

Pineapple Malibu in Diet Caffeine Free Coke is the greatest drink I’ve ever made.

Gravity by John Mayer is like cat nip for 30-50 year old white men.

If you spill seltzer water on the carpet do you have to clean it up?

My Walmart bluetooth earbuds, say hello when you pull them out of the case. But they say it super quick. Like immediately. I don’t know why but the last 7-12 times I pulled them out of the case I rushed them to my ears to make sure I heard the hello.

Sometimes I like to go on Google Maps and just go to gas stations and reminisce about the good ole’ days.

People don’t talk about it but dogs love salami just as much as us.

Why do dudes put on a whole suit but then leave their tie loose? Like it’s a whole suit you put on?

Do you like chicken or steak or your salad?

Check out my new podcast with Dr. Stormy. pods.to/its-all-over.O…

Headed home from an awesome tour with SlowJoy and Strawberrygirls. Thanks everyone for coming out!

It’s a “I just want hot cocoa and a Candice Cameron Christmas movie” kinda day.

If Jordan Love leads the Packers to an upset of 49ers I will write an album called Love.

I can’t wait to hear Lindell’s dis track and then Osteen comes in and slays them all out with his fiery bars.

I love it when someone’s selling something on FB Marketplace and I offer them less and then a little while later they write back “It already sold.” They love burning me and I love that they would do that. It’s so funny. I wish I could meet them and just say thanks.