Am I the only one who's pruned downstairs lately? My package looks like a fucking flowerbed. #titchmarshtugs

Me on the pull during the show. #TitchmarshTekkers

The wife's lawn could do with a trim. #Growler

It took me 7 attempts but I finally have a picture so my jizz face.

#TulipTuesday

As I stand here naked in front of the mirror one thought crossed my mind, I'm getting kicked out of ikea.

Chatting up bare gash on bbm. #TitchmarshTekkers

#WhatHurtsTheMost rubbing your cock in soil.

#TitsForTitchmarshTuesday

Teabagging that badger was never a good idea.

Never ever let your junk touch poison ivy. Never.

Some bird got her nipple pierced in the pub at the weekend...I'm shit at darts.

There's a hole in my garden that only I'm allowed to shit in. I've got squatter's rights.

Same shit, different day.Probably should change my boxers.

CALENDAR FACT: All the seasons are named after coils of metal.Except Winter and Summer.And Autumn.

I was desperate for a shag so I took my mate's advice and have sex with a watermelon. Now I can't get the fucking thing out of my arse.

My mate died after taking an E. Countdown's security staff don't fuck about.