[Leaves Elf on the Shelf headless in a puddle of ketchup, right on top of Nathaniel John Shelby [parody]'s bedside table]

#Solo | #TheGhostOfChristmasPast | Flakes of snow fell coating Handsworth cemetery in a sheet of white. I liked the snow. It made everything feel fresh, clean and pure. That was until it turned to grim mush, of course. Grim, brown mush caused by too much pollution. ~

[Might be feeling a bit bah humbug, but approves of the giant inflatable snowman in the front garden]

I'm getting another cat. No one can stop me. Pregnant lady requires it. So pregnant lady gets.

[Grumble grumble Christmas grumble] If I get one more fucking Christmas caroler knock at this front door I SWEAR

I /know/ my husband keeps a pistol in the beaureu. So I SWEAR down, if there's one more knock at the door. [Makes a mental note to lock away all the dangerous shit before baby comes]

[Grumbles] gonna kick Nathaniel John Shelby [parody] in the shin. In both shins. [Grumbles harder]

Bah humbug

I swear to fuck there best be a large glass of red waiting for me whenever this sprog pops out. [Stabs a knitting needle through a ball of yarn] That's it. I'm getting my tubes tied when this is done. Pregnancy SUCKS

This is all your fault Nathaniel John Shelby [parody] [Throws various, small hand-knitted garments in various colours at him, cause I have NO idea what stupid colour this kid needs] You and your sexiness, and your massive dick and your /stupid super sperm/

New year [Stomps to bed]

[Sets a pile of books in my husbands office and veges out in one of the comfy chairs, making myself RIGHT at home. If I can't smoke or drink, I'll have to just sit somewhere that smells of nicotine and whiskey. This 9 months needs to be over. Yesterday.]

[Sits, flicking through old photographs]

I want one!

There's no need to visit, Tom. I'm sure you're all very busy.

She's back!