Have you ever felt that you met the right person at the wrong time?

Come to Hell, we have the best selection of Vodka.

I need beach, like right now.

I feel like I randomly like people and just annoy them until they like me back

One of my guy friends reached out for advice on how to approach this girl he likes. He was open and vulnerable about his fears of being rejected and embarrassed. He’s also being careful with her feelings. It was so adorable and restored my faith that good men still exist!

Missing it 🏒🥰

Made my first cold brew today and it was glorious! Small wins!

Sometimes you just have to know your place. Mine is the liquor store

Hate when people say 'not today Satan'.

Fuck you. Yes, today.

Being neurodivergent is charming AF. Someone asks “How are you?” and I basically write a detailed essay back about what I’m currently doing

My ex: wyd?
Me: everything you accused me of……this shit lit 😂😂😂

I’ve found that there are only two things that are certain in life after 40: needing to pee at 3:30 am and acid reflux.

If you’re not in love with me yet, wait till you hear the noises my stomach makes. It’s like someone trapped the yeti in there and it’s begging for mercy

Some women on Twitter when other women post their pretty pics

Hot UPS guy looked at me dead in the eye and said “I have a package for you”. Pretty safe to say I got a man now

The only reason why I won’t tweet that Monday can kiss my ass is bc of all the men named Monday thinking I’m summoning them

if by “gardening” you mean smoking weed then me planting my seed in you? yes, i’m into “gardening”

Wtf is with these 50+ men loving hikes? Can I just get someone who likes to go to hotels, concerts, get tattoos and cook and cuddle? Instead of deciding to leave the house to go conquer nature

Come to Jesus moment brought to me by my kids!
16: Mom why are you like this?
20: Bc when she was your age she had to walk up to people and insult them to their faces

Miss the good ole days when putting lotion on my body was a priority. Now it’s mostly Bengay or Icy Hot