How on earth do you quiz a train? Are they taken in for questioning at the police station?

WORDS OF THE DAY. Entice - something which is not frozen water. Enticed - when a cake is not decorated with fondant.

In Waitrose earlier today, I walked past a deflated looking middle-aged man on his phone. Shaking his head he loudly stated “LOOK, I AM REALLY BORED NOW. Will you PLEASE just tell me which cheese to get!”

Earlier today I wrote a silly post about vampires. It brought out all the pedants and bigots so I’ve deleted it. I try to keep my little corner of this hellsite free from nasty, petulant arseholes so if you are one, please pick up your copy of the Daily Mail and move along.

Here’s a photo of Mochi’s (daft kitten) murder mitten which looks a little bit like either a raw chicken or a pink spaceship shooting pink missiles. You’re welcome.

A poem. Here is a guide To avoid any muddle Rain on the ground Is known as a puddle However, when It’s raining oodles Or ‘cats and dogs’ then Puddles are poodles When rain is so heavy It reaches your middle If ‘pissing it down’ then A puddle’s a piddle. The End ©️Flups

“Ugh, school is so BOARing” As part of the uniform, will they be wearing a pigs tie? *mumbles something about the pigs not doing their homepork* I’ll stop now.

Naughty? Absolute filth, more like!

FACT OF THE DAY. Prior to being ordained, all religious leaders are required to sign a pray-nup agreement.

I’ve just found out about Dave Grohl. I haven’t felt this let down by a man since I discovered Father Christmas wasn’t real.

Today, many people will have made great discoveries and achieved monumental successes during their working day. I realised during my lunch that you can’t say apricot without saying ‘a prick’.

It really is hard to tell the difference between the menu photo and the one I have just been presented with.

*takes whole fish and lightsaber back out of boob-shaped toilet*

The epitome of romance.

Successful candidate must have gained a Penetration Tester qualification by completing the Inter Course.

Why ‘rice box’ and not ‘pilau case’?

‘Risky and Juicy’? Is the film about trying to eat an overripe nectarine whilst wearing a white blouse?

I hope they sing ‘Old MacDonald’ before the first ‘AI’ and ‘oh’ at the end.

FACT OF THE DAY. John Oates, moustached half of Hall & Oates, has a brother called Roald who invented porridge.

Haemorrhoid cream. Worst Dulux paint colour EVER.