This is a record of my, The Real Beano's, travels in search of the 'brown noise'. This is a rumored and mythical noise that I understand will make people lose their bowel control. My legacy will be secured if I can both discover and manifest this mythical noise.

My journey to find the brown noise begins this Christmas Eve. The most appropriate way to begin any adventure of such grandeur and significance is to sneak out the back door while my family enjoys their Christmas Eve dinner. Farewell my family. My sacrifice will not be in vain.

I had taken my weathered brown suitcase when I left to find the brown noise. The contents of my suitcase, but for the usual travelling items, includes a forked stick to help with water dowsing. One must be prepared to look for people that have shat their pants.

The Real Beano I siphoned some fuel from my wife's car with a flute. I didn't realise this was counter productive. After about an hour, I used a child proof straw. I am now high and rich with one gallon of black gold which I can use on my journey to find the brown noise.

I am wearing a brown distressed leather trench coat as well as brown linen double pleated trousers in my journey to find the brown noise. I wear these so that people can't see when I've shat myself and so that I can slowly spread out the fumes with my coat, crop dusting style.