I just want to be as carefree as serial killers were in the 70's.

Painted a big H in my garden to see if I can trap a helicopter. Wish me luck!

If you're indecisive long enough, time will make the decision for you.

I follow only people who looked like they got a police report…

Twitter is just one big game of “say it again, but funnier.”

Sometimes I rewatch The Lost Boys just to feel something. Mostly the desire to live in a cave and sleep upside down.

Overthinking my old friend, I’m here still wide awake, again.

sorry i haven’t tweeted, it’s just that i have a life

i’m not funny or relatable, but at least i am also insufferable

when i’m not being a neurotic, unhinged, crazy, unreasonable lunatic i’m a actually pretty lovely.

Apparently, I’m not mature enough to use the Intercom at work anymore… whatever that means.

Bitches be jealous because I can make a mean batch of ramen noodle soup in a prison toilet.

Preemptive workout ibuprofen years old.

My neighbour texted me this morning to ask if I was having morning sex on the back deck. I had to explain the guttural grunting noises she heard was just me trying to get up from my Adirondack chair without spilling my coffee.

Trolls have been loud all week… Yankees win and suddenly it’s cricket season on the timeline. Weird. 🦗🦗🦗 #YankeesWin

Some people have street smarts. Some people have Cul-de-sac smarts.

Welcome to your 40s, you're too old to sit on the floor and put furniture together.

Nothing like a nap to start the weekend off.

A cut chocolate out of my diet and the only thing I’ve lost so far is joy.

never afraid to be loud about the love