"In short, everyone knows nothing about wine. Especially people with letters after their names. What are those WSET, CSW, MS, MW things? Surname dingleberries?" The Enduring Mysteries of Wine Solved! hosemasterofwine.blogspot.com

"What’s sexier than the whisper of perfume on a beautiful woman’s neck? Wine, at its best, reenacts that intimacy. Our nose is our primary sex organ. Which is why I wear a condom on it to wine tastings." hosemasterofwine.blogspot.com

A bit of EPHEMERA for a Tuesday: "Worst Wine Marketing Slogans" Here's a classic, "If it makes you feel any better, our ABV is completely fabricated." hosemasterofwine.blogspot.com I'm sure you can suggest more.

"Just what is the etiquette for bringing your own bottle of wine into a restaurant, you self-entitled twerp?" Find out the answer to this age-old, hackneyed question today on hosemasterofwine.blogspot.com Feel free to bring your own jokes.

You may be interested in my commencement speech for the Shemp Howard Culinary Institute. Some timely words of advice for those beginning their careers in the wine business. In a word: Don't. hosemasterofwine.blogspot.com

Because you asked, here are the "Reasons You Failed Your Master Sommelier Exams." One of which is, "You wore clown shoes." The rest are at hosemasterofwine.blogspot.com

Reasons You Failed Your Master Sommelier Exam: "When asked to identify the seven subzones of Chianti, you left out Sneezy." Even more embarrassing reasons at hosemasterofwine.blogspot.com

I thought En Primeur was some sort of soccer league, so I didn't go. I wrote a report anyway. It's authoritative. Before you stock your cellar you need to read "The HoseMaster of Wine's™ Report on the 2018 Bordeaux Vintage." hosemasterofwine.blogspot.com

I recently paid a visit to Wine Business Gitmo, "On the Island of Lost Master Sommeliers." With any luck, there will be cannibalism. Read about my journey at hosemasterofwine.blogspot.com. Bring sunblock.

You heard the man, I’m peerless. The Island of Lost Master Sommeliers, on the other hand, is pierless.

"Ethics and truth are Roundup for the wine business. You don’t want to use them liberally, or at all, they pretty much destroy the ecosystem." The legacy of Lost Master Sommeliers hosemasterofwine.blogspot.com

I was wondering if anyone ever complained to Wine Advocate that their score was too high. There's always one "Rich Prick Wants a Lower Score." Lisa Perrotti-Brown hosemasterofwine.blogspot.com

"If I want an inflated score for my wine, I’ll buy one from James Suckling like everybody else." Rich Prick is upset about his high scores in the Wine Advocate. Why isn't everyone else? hosemasterofwine.blogspot.com

I have a list of MW dissertations that failed, sparing us at least a few more MWs. "The Paris Tasting of 1976: Who the Fuck Cares" seems like a poor choice... Today on hosemasterofwine.blogspot.com

Only my second Guest Post on HoseMaster of Wine™ in 10 years! @peter_pharos evaluates the "Failed MW Dissertations." This was a great idea and I wish I'd thought of it. Peter's evaluations are priceless. hosemasterofwine.blogspot.com

Robert Parker has retired for the first time. Not to gloat, but I have at least three retirements more! In honor of Bob making it official, here's a piece I wrote in 2014, "The Emperor in Winter." Gotta love re-runs. hosemasterofwine.blogspot.com

I gave in and allowed my Millennial intern, Lo Hai Qu, to review "Wine Country." She's unimpressed. Lo is a bit of a loose cannon, she's been absent from HoseMaster for a bit, but it's good to have her back. I think. hosemasterofwine.blogspot.com

Biodynamics is SO last year. There's a new pseudoscience in town that's all the rage in the wine biz! Phrenology! It's about time someone examined winemakers' skulls. hosemasterofwine.blogspot.com

"There’s comfort in believing things because you need to despite convincing evidence to the contrary. Like aerators work,and wines taste better in Riedel stemware,“Sideways” was a good movie, and the wine business treats women equally."hosemasterofwine.blogspot.com

After reading one too many insipid tributes to Robert Parker after his retirement, I wondered who might be happy to see him gone, in her own way, of course. A very moving tribute, "Alice's Tribute to Robert Parker." hosemasterofwine.blogspot.com