The French are protesting against going to work and rest of Europe is in full support. We’d rather deal with a shuttered storefront than a French person working the counter.

CACTUS…cos there’s no better name for a well-stocked grocery store than a prickly, desert plant that grows in arid regions.

THE NEW NORMAL. As an artist, it’s not enough to just sell out your shows. You need to literally take down the website now!

Having a blocked nose is a lot like running into your crush. Takes your breath away and keeps your mouth open.

In French, “Mon courage” translates to my courage but “Bon courage” means good luck. Make up your mind! Are you brave or did you just win the lottery?

Yes, the cops took a flyer for my Fringe show. #edfringe23 #fringe #Edinburgh Edinburgh Festival Fringe

📣 FRESH OFF THE FRINGE PERFORMANCE ANNOUNCEMENT 📣 Deepu AMERICAN ALIEN | 2nd October, 7:30pm | Tickets on sale now > thepentheatre.com/american-alien | 👽🇺🇸#standupcomedy #americancomedy #peckham #southbermondsey #chortle

London tonight! Tickets at bit.ly/LondonOct2

Journalists: Tell us about the living conditions as a Hamas hostage? Grandma: The dude had separate bottles for shampoo and conditioner. 🤩

Ceasefire is the new C word. Say it in public and you might lose your job

For the record, I have never ghosted anybody. All I did was take a humanitarian pause.

Me: I don’t care if someone ghosts me Also me: Can I use a ouija board to contact an ex? 👀

YouTube ads are getting so aggressive. “If you want to work a 9 to 5 job for the rest of your life then skip this ad”. Now I’m 7 minutes into a protein supplement commercial and running late for work.

At first, humans were released from captivity. Then a dog was set free. We are one step away from Hamas releasing a mountain goat into the wild with a NatGeo crew filming the whole thing.

Luxembourgers look at seats on the Tram like Toilet urinals: This one is taken so can’t use the one next to it.

Two of the biggest UFC fighters are literally named ‘Islam’ and ‘Israel’. The solution to the Middle East crisis is a fist fight between a Russian Muslim and a Black Kiwi.

White girls be like, “I’m terrified of spiders,” then fly solo to Southeast Asia to bathe a wild elephant in the jungle. They scream at a zit in the mirror but exfoliate an elephant while knee deep in a river.

War between India and Pakistan is basically cricket. Five days of chest thumping drama ending in no clear result. Both sides claim victory while westerners are confused why everyone is so eager to “smash boundaries”

How’s life different now? Well, I wake up daily at the crack of dawn. Previously, I used to get cracked until dawn.

Cover letters always be like “after spending 16 years in the oil and gas industry, taking on the role of museum director feels like a natural fit”